Just sayin'

OK ladies.....enough is enough.....for as long as anyone can remember, bathroom humor has centered solely around men and boys.....the only mention of women's bathroom habits usually revolves around hair fixing and nose powdering....I say it's high time we venture beyond the creaky swinging metal door with the broken lock and address some issues we all know about but are too afraid/embarrassed to talk about.....

Let me start with some simple commentary/rules:

Check for feet! If there are any-try and hold off on releasing any loud embarrassing noises. It is uncomfortable for both yourself and the people left holding their shirts over their noses next to you. If you can't hold it in much longer-cough that strange throat clearing cough that is a signal to other stall mates that they may want to wrap things up and vacate the premises. If someone else lets out a noise that is both uncomfortable yet strangely humorous, don't laugh, don't even breath-just finish up immediately and get out fast. No one wants to be the recipient of that person that comes out with the "I had a wicked burrito at lunch" face.

Recognize and respect the power of the "Poop Stall"-every work place has one. If you enter the bathroom and someone is using it-leave. It's the right thing to do. Don't force the poor girl to clench the cheeks so tight she doesn't walk straight for days. If you must go in-move quickly-don't dilly dally and PLEASE do not stop and have small talk with co-workers you really don't care about but feel awkward because you locked eyes in passing on the way to the sink-do you really care how Little Johnny is doing in karate and even if you do-do you need to know right then and there? Take it to the hallway so the butt clencher can proceed.

What's with the pee on the seat? Is aiming that difficult? Is the hole not large enough? I mean there are some large butts out there but the shooting device is pretty standard. For the hoverers, planting your feet works well, and getting the TP all ready before you lock into the hover position helps also: no reaching=no dripping! If you drip-wipe it up-it's your own fluids so don't get all spastic about it.

Leftovers....face it ladies-sometimes some pretty crazy stuff comes out of us-and sometimes-one flush just doesn't do it. Don't leave your remnants for the next person. Take the 1.3 seconds it takes to flush again. Like Momma always said-leave a place the way you'd like to find it.....so unless you prefer things smeared with poop, give it another whirl.

That time of the month...you know it...it happens to all of us....and as many of us do, we blab about it to our girlfriends "Ugg these cramps are the worst" and get emotional over the puppy not able to climb up onto the bed in the Kleenex commercial ("come on little guy you can do it") but one way we don't want to hear about another gals menstruation is by seeing the evidence on the toilet bowl. We have all been dealing with this for many years so the fact that someone can not navigate the process is unfathomable. Here's a tip-go slowly. No need to yank the sucker like you're trying to get the baby out of the well. If for some reason you make a mess, clean it up. It's not that hard to do a little wipe down before exiting. Again remember Momma's wisdom!

If you are one of those people that thinks the bathroom is made for these reasons and you don't feel you have to follow these rules, then go ahead and let 'er rip-but don't be surprised if next time you walk down the hall there are glances and whispers!

Last tip-if there is spray, use it. Just a shot or 2-don't gag the next users with enough citrus to start a grove their next visit.

Hopefully these tips have helped some. I have had endless discussions on this topic with many of my gal friends and the painful truth of the matter is-we like to poop in peace. In a perfect world, the little brown monster wouldn't be knocking on the door until we were safely in our homes, out of the public ear, and nose, but sadly that isn't always the case.

Here's to empty bathrooms, music loud enough to cover bowel noises, and a vast array of scented odor eliminators. For those that are able to always hold out until they are in the comfort of their own homes, I applaud you (and am extremely jealous), for those of us who can't always make it till quitting time, happy pooping ladies, may the force be with you (and no one else!) :)